(I still dream of the day someone helps me give this very stoned creation a visual component. it could be you? i mean it won’t be, but it could.)
Girl of your dreams
Pan across a laboratory, full of all sorts of science gizmo’s, gadgets, and shit. Our two main characters, Marlin and Sony, are poking a single button repeatedly, saying things like “no, not that one, next, ew, what about that one? No”. Marlin is shorter, with a thicker build (beard?). Sony has glasses. Under white lab coats Marlin is wearing a flannel shirt, Sony a t-shirt with a made up rapper on it (running joke, new rapper each time). With each push of the button, a conveyer belt like they have at those laundry places pulls a new nightmare up. Freddie Kruger, medusa, skeletons, a baby ghost rider, scarecrow from batman, maybe the monster’s inc guys. Each gets passed up by the duo.
Marlin: There has got to be a good nightmare in here SOMEWHERE, right Sony?
Sony: I know dude, its like, all these have been played out way to many times before.
Marlin: yea, like yelling I’m going to eat your soul is scary to anyone anymore
Sony: ha, yea, who could be scared of that.
Cue their boss, Dr. Schultz. The doctor is of average build, with a will Ferrell-esque afro. He rocks lamb chops. The guys have hit the button again, bringing up a small bunny in the nightmare conveyer belt.
Schultz: if it isn’t my least favorite pair of scientist in this room, fish and dvd player.
The guys get startled, and turn to face their rather silly looking boss.
Sony: we are the only pair of scientists in this room.
Marlin: And we aren’t named after a fish and multinational company.
Schultz: I stand by what I said. Also rabbit’s here.
Rabbit of course is the overweight, neck bearded scientist on the other end of the room. He’s the best dreamcrafter the company has. He is also playing solitaire.
Marlin: Well, uh, what brings you to the dreamatorium Dr. Schultz?
Schultz: For legal reasons, never call this place by that name again, and I just wanted to see what tonight’s nightmare was. I’m hoping your lame sense of morals or empathy or homosexuality didn’t get in the way of making it truly terrifying marlin.
Marlin: I’m not gay!
Sony: you do have empathy though.
Marlin: you say that like a bad thing.
Schultz: Because it is, now what do we have here.
Schultz walks up to the computer, examining the rabbit sitting frozen in the conveyer thing.
Schultz: this is good, Thumper the impaler, I like it, not only will he eat all the little girls dream cabbage, he will burn their villages to the ground!
M+S: WAIT WHAT?
Schultz: Does he come with pointy rabbit fangs?
Schultz holds his hands up to his mouth, pointing downward (making fangs on his face are you fucking stupid?)
Rabbit: that’s a hare, sir.
Schultz: hare fangs? sounds silly, I refuse to say it. Anyways, you two add fangs to this cuddly ball of evil, take it down to distribution and keep working on nightmares for me!
Marlin: I hate nightmare day.
Sony: Yea Tuesday does suck.
Sony removes the rabbit nightmare from the conveyer, putting it on a handcart. When he turns around, marlin is staring, slackjawed, at the next nightmare on the rack.
Sony: dude what is it?
Marlin simply pushes the button. A beautiful blonde girl is the next nightmare on the conveyer belt. She has a gold necklace on, its shape unconceivable.
Sony: look at her. Who put a good dream on the nightmare rack?
Marlin: I forgot everything before rack.
Sony: yea, look at her….. necklace.
Rabbit: you guys best forget about her, she’s the most evil thing ever created in this room.
Marlin: how do you know?
Sony: yea, and how could something so perfect be evil?
Rabbit: I created her. Back in the cold war…. Did a lot of dark things then, but nothing like Nostalgia. Tell me, what’s her necklace look like?
Marlin: uh, I guess its…. Omg, it’s the batman symbol!
Rabbit: Ugh nerds.
Sony: bull, that’s clearly the wu-tang symbol.
Rabbit: even frozen, her evil is so so so hot.
Rabbit settles into a trance like state, and when he begins talking his eyes light up like fire.
Rabbit: she becomes everything the beholder wants, she pulls you into the best dream of your life, then destroys it. She is my greatest work, and my worst. My magnum opus, my evil, murderous cold war magnum opus. I love her, but we should destroy her…… I’m very confused. Lets go get lunch.
Rabbit: say, do you guys know anything about beating the other computer player in solitaire?
Sony: you know why its called…..
Marlin hits Sony on the arm, shutting him up.
Marlin: no we don’t, sorry rabbit.
The cafeteria is like what you would find at a high school, the quality of the food, lumps looking hardly appetizing. Our scientists are sliding down the lunch assembly line, Rabbit in the lead.
Rabbit: Hey Janet, one-eyed jack, Tricky dick……..
As he leads down the line Rabbit says hello to all the workers. Sony reaches Tricky dick.
Sony: Why do they call you Tricky dick?
Dick: you really want to know?
Sony: I mean, I did ask.
Dick: so you wanna know?
Sony: that was what I asked?
Dick: Are you sure?
Marlin: you guys are holding up the line come on, and everyone knows its cause of your erectile dysfunction
Dick: SHUT UP, I look like president Nixon, everyone knows that, it’s so obvious!
Sony: and yo dick don’t work, boomshackalaka
Rabbit has reached the cashier.
Rabbit: Hey ma
Ma: how’s my baby bunny today?
Rabbit: Good ma, how’s your day been serving the world delicious meals?
Ma: fantastic. Who invited the jackass squad though?
She points at our scientific leaders. Both glare at Ma, who glares just as good.
Rabbit: I’m working with them now Ma.
Ma: well don’t let them bring you down honey.
The trio sits down at a table.
Marlin: What’s having your mom work at the Company cafeteria like for you, Rabbit?
Sony: Yea, that has to be kinda odd.
Rabbit: Hardly, she has been making me breakfast, lunch and dinner ever since I stopped breast feeding.
Marlin: haha, that’s a good one, cause she feed you then too, you’re pretty funny rabbit.
Rabbit: what do you mean?
Sony: she breast fed you.
Rabbit: you guys best leave it alone. Here comes Schultz.
Schultz: Sea creature, playstation, you get my fuzzy horror to distribution yet?
Marlin: we are going after lunch
Sony: Rabbit’s talking about boob milk
Schultz: yum. Now hurry up and eat, there is a general public to terrify, its TUESDAY!
Marlin and Sony push frozen rabbit nightmare down the hall, Sony beat boxing as they go. They open the door, revealing a grey van, “Dreamcraft Inc. Dreaming so you don’t have too” printed on the side. Smoke pours out the cracks of the back of the van. Sony pounds on the door. It opens, and as the smoke clears a long-haired hippy fellow hops out. He is wearing a tie-die “Dreamcraft Inc.” Shirt. “in case your dreams died a long time ago” is printed on the back. Our hippy drivers name is A.C. just go with it.
A.C: wow, like hey science guys, sup?
Marlin: Just got today’s nightmare A.C, ready to turn thousands of sheets into yellow canvas’s.
A.C: ha, ha, I didn’t know you were a artist, what’s the nightmare called?
Sony: Thumper the impaler.
A.C: Fucking Tuesday’s man.
Marlin: yea, whatever, just, here, take the death rabbit.
A.C: Rabbits dead?
Sony: not at all.
A.C: oh, my bad. Hey, you guys wanna get high?
Sony: Yes we do.
Marlin: Actually I’m good, I left my phone in the lab, and I might get a call, so no, I can’t
A.C: you like better, not be snitching man, cause snitch’s get witches.
Marlin: that statement baffles me, and I really want to hear you explain, but I gotta go.
Marlin hurries away. Sony and A.C climb in the car.
Sony: you can explain to me as well.
A.C: cause it rhymes and……
Back to Marlin. In the lab is staring hungrily at nostalgia. He’s going to unfreeze her. Isn’t it obvious? He approaches the computer. The door swings shut, and sitting on top of desk next to it is an old chinese man. Like tea, kung-fu master guy. Fu-manchu. Orange robes. Eyes basically closed. Stereotype here. His name is Jazz.
Marlin: oh, uh, jazz, listen I’m not unfreezing the cold war dream weapon sex monster.
Jazz is silent. He sips his tea. Its grows awkward. Marlin looks closer at jazz. Jazz’s eye’s don’t change.
Marlin: do you need anything?
Jazz’s is so amazingly still. Marlin turns back to the computer and the nightmare it controls. He starts jamming on the keyboard.
Marlin: I better just unfreeze her head, that way no on will get hurt.
A sharp laugh comes from the back, presumably jazz. Its fucking deep though. What what. The girl unfreezes down to a little bellow her neck. She coughs. Blinks a few times.
Nostalgia: holy tit balls (sputtered)
Marlin: um, hi, Nostalgia, I’m…..
Nostalgia: you’re marlin, I know, you unfroze me from this nightmare
Marlin: not sure you can use that word
Nostalgia: what DO you mean?
Marlin: nothing! I just…..
Nostalgia: no I get it, come on now, if you unfreeze me we can pork
Marlin: that’s a awful term, and clearly a trap
Nostalgia: you want this or not?
Marlin: very much so, I’m sorry, just a sec, I like how direct you are, very controlling of you…..
Jazz: Marlin, heed my warning, this bitch is trifling.
Jazz’s voice is deep, think principle lewis, Samuel Jackson, deep. Nostalgia is unfrozen past the elbows, waist, her arm’s are free, jazz gets up to leave the room. He opens the door to Rabbit, carrying a ax and looking furious.
Rabbit: You Hell spawn, you’ll rue the day your bosom tasted fresh air!
Nostalgia: You’re to late, honey bunny, I’m free, and going to devour your little friend here, and then the rest of this sick company, and then I’m going to torture any man who mistreats a woman, across this whole country!
Rabbit: I will not let my work go around like some hot vigilante Eleanor Roosevelt.
Marlin: that would be a great spin-off.
Nostalgia: you can’t stop me Rabbit, I’m stronger than you, I know what you want. You want me, you want to taste power at my side!
A sort of good bad and ugly final showdown eye shot thing goes down here, with the ax and jazz involved once. Sony returns, fully baked, walks up next to marlin, looks around, and kinda chuckles.
Sony: dude I forgot something for the rabbit nightmare.
Marlin: we got bigger problems dude.
Sony: oh, dude, you….. let jazz in the lab, how dare you!
Nostalgia, enough of this talk, let me eat your SOUL!!!!
M+S: SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!! Of terror
Nostalgia +Rabbit: War scream, they go into battle.
Jazz shuffles out in the background, marlin and sony hide behind a desk. At this moment, A.C shows up, pushing the rabbit nightmare in its handcart. Nostalgia is winning the fight, if barely. She appears ready to go into a villainous monologue.
Nostalgia: Give up rabbit, you’re going to lose this fight. Prepare to have everything you love torn to pieces. In your head, like your psyche, you know?
Rabbit: not today nostalgia, not today. A.C open that nightmare!!!!!!
A.C does as asked. Nostalgia raise’s her arm to strike. Thumper the impaler leaps at her face, a cute smile on it until the very end, his eyes turning black and beginning to grow fangs. We see the guys faces, as they watch in disgust, in the shadow’s on the wall the rabbit devours the nightmare girl. She screams.
Rabbit: Marlin, I’m disappointed.
Marlin: me too, she was going to have sex with me
Rabbit: she was going to eat you
Marlin: after the sex?
Sony: Noice! Ah dude check out what A.C can do with his eyebrows.
A.C scrunches his eyebrows, like he is concentrating really hard. Nothing else. Sony laughs. Rabbit goes back to solitaire. Dr. Schultz enters the lab. He examines the lab.
Schultz: did that rabbit just eat a person in here?
Sony: yea it was crazy, and marlin’s fault.
Sony: (whisper) I’m way to high to take the blame for this.
Schultz: so you’re telling me a feminist nightmare dream girl was eaten by a nightmare rabbit?
Sony: we never said that, but you summed it up nicely.
Schultz: Ha, what doesn’t this place have? I fucking love Tuesdays!
Shot of Schultz laughing and leaving, pan to rabbit playing solitaire, to A.C still squinting, the guys looking shocked, and thumper the impaler licking his chops.