Why, Ultimately, Age of Ultron Will Suck. (Spoilers)

Wow, what a glorious, click-baity title. I haven’t seen the film, but I will, I will fork over my 20-some dollars for me and my significant other to get seats, I will gobble a salty corn-based delivery system for butter, and I will most definitely participate in the grand consumerist drama that is life in post-modern America, further enabling the greater problem. The greater problem, the devil that walks amongst us, the beasts that have won our hearts, minds and wallets allowing hollywood and bollywood and schmollywood and wherever-the-fuck-they-make-TV-wood to give birth to more and more of these monsters, the good guys. That is right, good guys have ruined stories. (Oh, i’m sorry, no this isn’t going to be new information, that can be found somewhere else.) I mean, c’mon, just give us one or two villains in your massive sedatives called blockbusters that win! It’s not like i’m asking for Hitler to be president, or for a better go-to person for making over the top examples, that’s just too much to ask for. No, I’m asking for a little honest in storytelling. But but but, the story is about an alcoholic robot and some misplaced norse god (sans shirt) and Scarlet J’s tits, not reality, doesn’t that excuse us from being honest?

It would, if any villain in the past 21 years of my film-going experience had really felt terrifying. Heath Ledger’s joker came close, but I mean, come on, it’s fucking Batman, no one has beat him since his own nipples in the 90’s. Gus Fring of BB was pitted against ultimately a worse bad guy, but he had cancer, so we had to relate to him. (we had to justify it. thats the real tragedy. Breaking Bad is a pillar of modern television, but that doesn’t mean a show about Heisenberg would have worked if we didn’t have Walter White making eggs and vomiting all season one.) I’m watching Marvel’s DareDevil currently, and its great. Hurray, Marvel strikes gold again. Yet, the villain, one Wilson Fisk (played by Vincent D’Onofrio, who is the real show) goes horribly out of his way to break character every once in awhile to let DareDevil scamper off. The man removes a dudes head with a car door for interrupting his date, yet he captures his little blind pain in the ass in a warehouse, doesn’t just have the cops raid it, has a ninja cut the shit of him and pummels him with his meat mallets, and decides it’s boring? IT’S BORING?!? Here is a character that goes more Hulk than Hulk ever could when he gets his panties in a twist, and he lets the guy that is slowly shitting on his operation go?

In a world where my cinematic masterbatory aids are super-hero’s, bad new-wave sci-fi, the same rom-com’s that have been coming out since the 80’s (with a few more gay and bi-sexual people to let you know it 2015 people!), the occasional, unicorn rare original pieces and of course right-wing muslim killing propeganda, all I’m asking for is a slight raising of the stakes. Traditionally, the arc goes something like this. Good guy gets powers, but starts out at the bottom. Bad guy starts out with everything, including a glorious master plan and EVERYTHING they need to make that plan happen. Good guy gets whiff of plan and investigates. Good Guy’s power grows, Bad Guy gets sucked into ego-mania and shrugs it off. end of movie, roles have switched. Thats fine, but you can’t reset when you undoubtedly give your superhero a sequel. Every good guy is essentially Superman, or James Bond. they’ll get a few scratches, but at the end of the day, Mr. Evil’s the one who gets what’s coming. Trust me, I know why this is. I get it, i’m stomping my feet because my tube-feed entertainment isn’t good enough. It’s just that so much of my life is dedicated to stories, in all mediums, that to watch the grand pinnacle of human storytelling, the version of stories that take hundreds of people and draw humanity closer together in a religious fashion (we all go into a dark room and stare at a big glowing thing) fall into convenient and cheap tropes hurts. It hurts, because like so many other nerds, I’ve decided to care about the meaning of the shiny moving pictures. I can no longer be my father, sitting in the theater because it’s a escape from the bitching of reality. I’ve given films personal meaning FOR me, and they’ve stopped caring. Everything is just so predictable, and because of that, boring.

So, without further ado, or any real clarification on my seemingly asinine position, I give you a few up-coming movie corrections I would make.

Avengers: Age of Ultron

Scarlet J dies, like 15 minutes in. or Hawkeye. the rest are really immortal or the only good character, so. Oh, and Captain America loses a limb or something. Just let me know Tony Stark’s malfunctioning robot maenads actually mean business.

Batman V. Superman

Batman gets the jump of Superdouche, stabs him with Kryptonite knife. Superdouche evaporates him with laser eyes. Fade to black as they both hold each other quoting Romeo and Juliet.

Jurassic World

Two possible solutions. Chris Pratt, who is supposedly headlining the film, gets eaten by the velociraptor’s he “trains” during his first time in the pen. Brutally. Like, Lars Von Trier’s Anti-Christ level. Or, they give us what we all want which is a movie strictly about humans being eaten by dinosaurs. No one escapes. Proof that god almighty never would have created dinosaurs, i mean, then how would Adam and Eve have survived?

Mad Max: Fury Road

I’ve actually never seen Mad Max, but from what I know about post-apocalyptic societies this is probably lacking a lot of rape. and blind black dudes with ninja skills. and robot’s that play 1950’s radio.

These are just a few examples, but guess how they are all going to actually end? handsome white dudes leading the charge to save everyone else, some pretty pictures, and villains who really aren’t so much villainous as they are people seeing if punching their faces will help get said handsome white dudes out of underwear suits.
(Author here, just wanting to say that Avengers totally lived up to my expectations for it. Pretty pictures and a villain who styled himself as a stand-up comic and wanted to build an asteroid instead of just grabbing one from space. Mad Max however was easily one of the best films I’ve ever seen, because it actually invited you to care as well as being a non-stop heart pounding jaw dropping beautiful action film. Kudos, Mr. Miller.)

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