Eve’s Gay Friend
Written by: The St. Oswin’s Artistic Catholic School for Eccentric Children, for wider publication
Adam: The biblical first man.
Eve: The lady made from Adam’s rib.
Eve’s Gay Friend: This guy, am I right?
Satan: Tim Curry.
God: Just some bearded white guy, use a hobo.
The luscious garden of Eden, but since this is probably some little room in your community center or college campus with those fucking foldable chairs set up in some sort of “intimate” circle that really illuminates the poverty of this artistic establishment, lets just say you’ve got a tall house plant. A good fern. Yes one good fern decorated with christmas ornaments made up to look like apples. Purrfect.
Enter adam. he looks like a naked dude. A naked dude getting paid nothing but the satisfaction that he gets to be naked in front of what probably amounts to like three people who haven’t already seen him naked. This personal inner joy must be masked, for the Adam that enters the stage is forlorn, depressed, just down on his luck.
He does some toe touches with his buttocks facing the bulk of the audience. Adam looks over shoulder.
Adam: Oh, why, I didn’t see you there, little monstrosities of God. Was that his name? ohhh, its so hard being the first man on planet earth you guys! I mean, sure, there was all that beautiful garden crap and getting to name EVERYTHING, but honestly I’ve got allergies and after like the third generally dog-shaped thing I was pretty bored of naming crap. The animal named Armadillo only is called that because it’s the noise I made the first time I jerked off. It’s hard peacefully to do when there are only two people god has to worry about catching! Oh, so you think i’m just a cry baby, is that it? I work for absolutely no reward other than god doesn’t threaten to take away my newest wife, the animals don’t fucking mutilate me, and for missionary snore-story Eve! If that’s not enough, I constantly catch god hiding behind things whispering in that Morgan Freeman voice of his, “eat the fruit you pussy, eat it.” Once he knows I see him, he pops out and starts harassing me about my intent to eat the fruit and asking me all this really intense relationship questions like, “Why don’t you love me? I made you, you came out of me, and you treat me like this?” It’s a lot of pressure on a fella, I just wish i had a friend other than Eve.
God can be seen poking his head out from behind your silly bush, his whisper inaudible.
Enter Satan, this sassy Tim Curry character. Don’t tell me red-face is something we can’t do, we here at the St. Oswin’s Artistic Catholic School for Eccentric Children can’t have another scandal like the one where we made Jesus in Black-face (the only one people seemed ok with having in black face was Job), and we can’t sacrifice our red facepaint budget.
Satan: Adam, my weeeeeeee little adam, perhaps I can help you.
Adam: With what? I know who you are, you like are god’s right hand man, right dog?
Satan: Yea last time I checked, I mean I just wrote him a letter about like, you know, maybe since you humans are getting this free will thing maybe angels, who like he worked really hard on, I mean look at how gorgeous I am, should be extended the same courtesy, but I don’t see it really causing us any problems he always told me, come forward with any ideas I have. But, I mean, yea, wow, long talker am I right, the short of it is, I think I can make you a boyfriend.
Adam: A boyfriend? what’s that?
Satan: A friend who is a boy, like you (points at what is probably an erect penis. Jesus these catholic wannabe-actors) I can make a person with one of those.
Adam: I named it snake.
Satan: Maybe more mushroom cap?
Satan: So yea, lets get to making a boyfriend.
Lights flicker on and off. I don’t care who does it just flicker the goddamn lights Benny!. Curtain falls. end of scene 1.
Eve is picking berries off a tree. or pretending too. She’s got clothes on, it would be best in fact if Eve was played by another male human, maybe wearing a skirt or bra or something. Theater isn’t about naked women after all, just look at Shakespeare and his troupe, or the Japanese.
Eve notices empty auditorium.
Eve: Ah, so lovely of you to join me. I sure love this Garden. I love the flora, the fauna, and the lovely man god has laid before me. (shoulders shake, with what could be tears or laughter) Lovely man, ha. Don’t get me wrong, Adam’s great, its just, well, god made me from Adam’s rib bone. I literally come from him. My personality at most can amount to the personality of a rib bone. Again, i’m not complaining, i’m just saying, like, seriously? what do you expect from me? this is how men in old times wanted their wives? What makes it worse is god, of course, he’s a real stickler for what I can and can’t do. For example, my husband’s first wife, she was a cool girl. she came from the same spiritual stuff adam did, just a god splooge. I bet she had all kinds of opinions on what bands are in, and like how to best wear fake glasses to make herself look smarter, but she messed up. She sat on Adam and made him go all “uuuuhhhh-eeeeeehhhhh-oooooooooohh” and then bam, forced to spawn demons out of her missing penis area (what god calls it). It’s just dumb, being the first female on earth.
Enter Adam and Eve’s Gay Friend, also know as boyfriend. Both look overjoyed to have found each other. they are out of breath, clawing at Eve like the wolves of my mind claw at Benny, that stupid little fuck who thinks he’s assistant to the drama teacher, god just tearing inch after inch of sinew and flesh from his pasty little legs.
In the background, Satan is talking to god, although we can’t hear their conversation. god is tearing up a letter, Satan is crying, then they proceed to have a little, silent slapping match.
Eve: Oh, hello my dear husband Adam, who is this?
Adam: this is my boyfriend! his name is-
Eve’s Gay Friend: Name’s don’t matter darling as long as it’s consensual 😉 (is that how you use emoticons?)
Eve: oh, haha, as long as what’s consensual?
E.G.F: Oh sweet little shrew lady don’t worry too much, if anything we should be worrying about you! Look at you, in need of some tender love and care. Does this troglodyte not treat you well honey?
Adam: Uh, excuse me, you’re my boyfriend!
E.G.F: And that’s exactly why I’m going to spend the day dolling up our little doll here, don’t you worry my fuzzy little friend, we are going to have you rocking that new look soon enough!
Exit a flustered Eve with E.G.F talking loudly about whatever gay’s talk about, i’m assuming butts. I still don’t get why we aren’t supposed to like them I look at butt’s constantly. like, I may be writing this play for you and your hobnob of an acting crew to produce, but in my head, all i see are butts. man butts, lady butts, child butts, dog butts, my own butt, I still don’t know why the church wanted me to make this.
Adam scratches his head and leaves opposite side. Enter satan, bawling his eyes out.
Satan: I have to be mean to people now! G-god read my letter and said I was a traitor, and unfaithful, and that he knew it was me who was pooping in his beloved garden, I’m an angel, I can’t poop! (crying intensifies) And now, I, I have to make adam and eve eat that stupid fucking apple god made, to prove my loyalty, but I know he cursed those apples, and just, goddamn you god!!!!!!
Eve looks fabulous, like a more lady-like David Bowie (still should be played by a man!), all covered in leaves like some jungle toad. E.G.F is talking on the cellphone about butts. Adam catches up to them, eye’s all goo-goo gaga for Eve.
Adam: Eve you look wonderful!
Eve: So do you handsome! my gay friend here has taught me some things, and I think I know a way to please like your first wife did without god getting mad, it involves putting your snake in my wrong-way food hole.
Adam: Where the poop comes from?
Eve: Yes 😉
Adam: …yea… Yea, sure why not.
And right before this becomes an orgy satan runs in crying and throwing apples. play ends in chaos well E.G.F walks to center stage, winks, and says…
E.G.F: It still wasn’t our fault ya homophobic fucks!