Dude, I’m So Fucking Hot (Dan Harmon Blog Repost)

All credit for the following goes to Dan Harmon, Demi-god of nerd writers. Posted to Myspace on August 14th, 2005, still applicable today.

“Dude.  I’m so fucking hot and awesome.  Whenever I walk into a bar, everyone sees me in slow motion.  All the women want to stick their hands down my shirt and run their fingers through my ursine coat, and I have to grab their wrist and say, “take it easy, sugar.  We’ve got all night for that stuff,” and then I just blow their minds with my knowledge of story structure until an appropriate song comes on the juke box, at which point I leap to my feet and start shaking my ass, and I shake my ass so hard that quarters start flying out of it, and everyone starts cheering and picking them up, but I shout out, “take it easy, sugars!  There’s no such thing as property!”  And they’re all like “holy fuck, he’s so hot and smart and socialist,” and they drop the quarters and we all start dancing together like in that “love is a battlefield” video, looking at the camera and shaking our shoulders, and I lead everyone outside into the street and we’re all dancing, and cars are screeching to a stop and people are honking, but then my followers pull them out and they start dancing, too, and everyone in the city starts dancing, and old ladies are throwing away their walkers and black teenagers are dropping their handguns and doing the robot like black teenagers should, and the entire city of Los Angeles follows me across America, and everybody in every city we go through starts following us, snapping and dancing, and when we get to the Misissippi River, the people form a human bridge by drowning themselves and letting the others walk across their backs, and the government realizes we’re headed for D.C. so they deploy tanks but our bodies just gum up their treads and the soldiers get pulled out and they start dance-marching with us toward the White  House, and the Secret Service tries to shoot us all but they can’t and we just dance into the oval office and everyone locks hands in a tunnel and I come dancing in and the president is like what is the meaning of this and I’m like what is the meaning of piss, and I just start peeing all over the president, and he’s like agh, agh, you’re peeing on me, and I’m going yeah, because you’re human, and you’re accountable to humanity, and this is what the insides of a human being feels like, it’s hot liquid, it’s visceral, it’s life, it’s God, and you’ve forgotten all that, so now you get peed on, and then I say, get him up, and two of the black teenagers that were previously redeemed lift the president to his feet and I say this is for not protecting the people that pay your salary, this is for hurting the people stupid enough to trust you, this is for taking advantage just because you can, this is for telling people they should sit in a cubicle in a black tower, letting them think that doing that would eventually pay off, and then just letting some fucking assholes that you pissed off fly airplanes through their families, through their dilbert cartoons and bobble heads and “wake me for the weekend” coffee cups while you sit in a bulletproof bubble paid for with their unpaid labor.  This is for lying, to yourself, to them, to everyone, this is what happens to liars, and I fake like I’m going to punch him, and he cringes, but then I just kiss him on his piss soaked cheek and walk away, back through the tunnel of humanity and it closes behind me and absorbs me and the president just falls to his knees and starts crying, and he says I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’ve done such a horrible thing, I’ve been so bad, it’s the power, it changes you before you even get it, it demands things of you, there’s no such thing as doing a little bad to get into a position where you can do a lot of good, if you have to do bad to get into a position, then it’s a bad position, and when you get into it, the devil is going to be on your call sheet, and he’s going to have a list of things for you to do, and it never stops, you just get more and more evil, and I’m so sorry that I was born rich, I’m so sorry, someone forgive me.  And all the laws and all the money just turn to dust because humanity has advanced, we don’t live in that world anymore, everyone just acquires this innate and universal sense of priority, everyone understands that people should just be good to each other and the next five thousand years are spent in peace and they put my face on a stamp.  That’s how fucking hot and awesome I am.”

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