Numb with Time

(The Blacked Out Poems #2)

A man tries to suck down
sweet vermouth
and he dies
my God, it’s like a condiment
and I cry.
In most cases alcohol
is a nightmare
wherein you consume
and you are not happy with what
happens therein
and then you wake and you still have
rested somewhat.
Jesus Christ,
beer and beer and beer
and I have never blamed my woes
on beer.
All the lies and the lies and the lies
perceived.
I’ve never been lied to in my life
yet I have perceived many different
distortions of truth and who is to say those were
not my own.
Either way they were
They were and and I am responsible for those
so
I drink near vinegar now for
my hubris
I gulp down nightmare alcohol
nightmare alcohol
and the only way to escape the scary dreams
is with
nightmare alcohol or rather
sweet vermouth,
Yeshuah.

Dreams trickle down
with eyes closed
like magical mystery
and delivery
as though all were absolved,
yes, all were absolved,
and I’m so sad for all those who
were left in plahbluhbluh.

You slipped in all plain darnkness,
talking to my bearded friend and I love
but I said, “Hey, girl. Follow me outside
and we will
we will
discuss discuss discuss discuss discuss.
So you did cuz you
cuz you
cuz you
are a fool and I have swept you into my web of lies and lies and lies
and you, girl,
who invited me into lies and lies and lies and lies,
should have paradise plotted out by now
cuz you’ve been slipping away to TRON
to make us all (you and me) more pleased.
But you have no expertise
‘cep breaking hearts indiscriminately
like you broke John Wilkes Booth
and John Wayne Gacy
and everyone else who killed famously.
It will be amazing when I don’t kill
like they did.

And you never got hit harder
than the words from that there fellow
even though day and night
I laid my best,
my simple best,
on you.
There was one night I delivered
the culmination of my very heart,
my very soul,
to you in succinct
and understandable word,
and it was the best thing I had ever written till that point
and you shrugged it off and told me
these words will someday be for another and I said
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
and there’s no way you can understand because it’s you
and that makes me cry because all of my feelings are a joke right now
and I am more precious than I’ve ever been and I will even laugh on this
and it will be the saddest thing because the most pure words that I can offer will be
bullshit
and what I can discover in the past will be charades compared to how I feel now.
Honestly,
apples and oranges and there’s no fucking thing I can do about it.
So sad
So sad
So sad
and then we let go and then we die.
(and the part where we let go is 57 years of our 110 year life.)
We teach ourselves to be numb with time.

(From November 2015)

2 thoughts on “Numb with Time

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