Dear Alt-Right, More Pizzagates Please

Dear Alt-Right, More Pizzagates Please


If you are a fan of my work, you already know of my predisposition for conspiracy theories of all flavors. If you aren’t a fan of my work but are reading this, I love conspiracy theories. Something about the visceral need to escape reality, the desire to separate from the accepted, It’s in the base desire of all fiction writers. Our brains augment reality all the time to find ideas, and in conspiracy theorists, we find a similar ilk. A fraternal twin. Similarity shouldn’t be seen as acceptance, however. I’m more a fan than a researcher, an artist looking for a muse. Do I like conspiracy theories and read about them and dive deep into the bowels of YouTube for them? Yes. Do I believe them? Not really.


This stems primarily from the source of most theories. By default, conspiracy theories are reactionary. Especially in the works of current conspiracy rings. The more vanilla stories, of aliens and bigfoot and all of cryptozoology do stand out as something of an exception of this rule, but just barely. After all, the nature of a theory is to deny any accepted fact, a retreat from something that HAS happened to something that could only happen if a secret cabal of pasty powerful’s orchestrated it. It’s about shifting blame to maintain some sense of authority and agency. This holds true for most of history, the forces of conspiracy are the groups losing control. Hence the Alt-Rights rise to the head of the conspiracy world. The 2016 election elevated the voices of this fringe group and only further enabled this group to be the strongest amongst the reclusive and odd.


Now, fun questioning has always been subject to some level of political bias. For every X-Files-Esque monster cover-up story, there is also a delightful piece about the liberals manufacturing school shootings. But recently we passive viewers have been forced to look at more and more kinds of fascist grandstanding and nationalistic finger pointing. And for the most part, that shit sucks. Conspiracy blogs and subs and forums and podcasts and Twitter are hotbeds for Pepe cunts who think Jordan Peterson is a good excuse for a mommy. The most vocal group of weirdos always holds power on these platforms and since around 2014-ish that group within the world of denial has been the alt-right.


Their first notable work was probably before that, with the Obama birth certificate bit. Notable here, of course, can also be read as having an ability to reach a wider audience and create some hype around the subject. Then came the school shooting stuff, like Sandy Hook in 2012. Their real growth blossomed with Trump’s presidential bid. From that, Hillary killing people, Cruz as the Zodiac killer (<3) so on and so forth. Spread through Breitbart and and my uncle’s Facebook, these theories have become a staple of any mildly interested person looking for something a bit more from their world. These theories may or may not have impacted the election, but they got national media attention and solidified the alt-right’s power in the world of conspiracy theories. As soon as Anderson Cooper and Stephen Colbert had to read tweets about these ideas the hopes of a division of politics on conspiracy theory forums was gone. Old content that plays to liberal viewpoints exist, but new content is coming from the dungeons of the tiki-torch twats. The best the neolib side has generated has been the Russian collusion and peepee video thing, which is a whole other can of worms. (Did Trump use foreign aid and was he e a shady fuckface his whole life and during the election? Of course. Will the investigation turn up solid evidence of corruption? Of course. Does this whole thing solve any part of the problems that led to the election of a frosted chode like Trump? Of course not. Both political parties despise him yet remain oblivious/don’t care or want to create any actual change for the betterment of the people and prevent future far-right despots from gaining power.)


So politics came and ruined conspiracy theories, just like it did everything else we hold dear. The resulting new theories have been mostly lackluster. The alt-right, like its face character Alex Jones, is mostly just hot air blown out a flappy anus. Most of their work lacks imagination and serves only to hurt innocent people. They permeate the virtual spaces, constantly shifting the conversations to their own bullshit and giving a bad name to the rest of us people who like tin foil clothing accessories and J.F.K assassination videos. But their reign as conspiracy kings hasn’t been all for not. After all, they have brought things like chemtrails and flat earth back into the front of the conversation. Not only that, their involvement has increased the interest in the mainstream to passively observe their work. The best of their portfolio is the delicious, although now probably stale, Pizzagate.


What made Pizzagate so fucking amazing? Why is it still something that finds its way to the head of conspiracy forums? Primarily because of its ties to a number of previous fringe theories and the nurture it received from the alt-right. Or because it is about pizza, who really knows. The jist of the story is fairly simple, and if you want, all you really need to know to continue this story is that the Pizzagate is about a pedophile ring attached to the Clinton campaign (and other wealthy oligarchic figures) and a Washington D.C pizza place. Go on and jump ahead if you don’t care for my full synopsis of the subject. I’ll even put the stuff you don’t need to know in italics, how’s that sound?


Pizzagate began with the WikiLeaks dump of Clinton staff emails in March of 2016. The biggest takeaway from these was of course that the Clinton campaign worked with the DNC to hurt Bernie Sanders’s chance of being the Democratic candidate. This is known. The best takeaway, however, came from the emails from John Podesta and other Clinton staffers where they talked about things like pizza, walnuts, handkerchiefs, spirit cooking, Moloch and Comet Ping Pong. With posts on 4Chan and r/The_Donald, a narrative began to take form revolving around a child sex ring, Democrats, and a pizza parlor. Much of the “evidence” sited again came from a number of previous conspiracy theories staples[1], particularly those regarding the actions of the hyper-wealthy in relation to Satan and child sacrifice. Real things like Bohemian Grove and Jeffery Epstein’s pedophile island come to mind. Thanks to the real mistrust of the upper crust of society by any who frequent fringe outlets, Pizzagate stands out amongst the offerings of the alt-right as having some sort of potential behind it.


A proper understanding of Pizzagate should start with the Podesta brothers and the artwork which Tony Podesta likes. Tony, the Podesta of lesser importance to our theory, is an art collector, and his interests are, in the words of the Pizzagaters, creepy. Things by people like Marina Abramovic and Biljana Djurdjevic are among his collection, and what the gaters go to as the first piece of evidence. Abramovic is known for being a big part of the spirit cooking movement[2], in which the wealthy or artistic join for a supper (and finger painting!) on all sorts of goodies. Things like human flesh, semen, breast milk, children, you name it. Pictures of numerous elites have surfaced at such suppers, and Tony Podesta has even allegedly helped organize a Spirit Cooking event put on by Abramovic, which his Clinton campaign worker brother was invited to. Now, I’m no art critic, but looking at the real and photoshopped pictures of a spirit cooking event lead me to believe that Abramovic could make one hell of a haunted house. That in mind, spirit cooking seems like some kind of special edge lord shit with a budget. This is the first piece of “evidence” of cannibalism and Satanism within the Clinton circle and rests on the Serbian-American performance artist having gaslighted everyone who has ever seen her work. The creep factor of Tony Podesta grows when one looks at the art of Djurdjevic, which features ugly baby things tied up in “sexually provocative” positions (or just, ya know, tied up), and this creep factor automatically gets transferred over to John Podesta.


So that’s part one. The Podesta family goes to performance art pieces and owns some bizarre art. Of course, almost every piece of art ever called good features some bizarre elements and reflects human pain and suffering, but whatever. Spirit cooking and its ties to satanic ritual are loose, but it became the sort of visual inspiration needed to create a deeper conspiracy. It would be wrong to say the artwork doesn’t result often in strong feelings in the viewer, and the most common of those is disgust. But that is arts job, to make us have powerful reactions, and both Abramovic and Djurdjevic are Serbian artists who lived through the turmoil of the 90’s and the Bosnian genocide. Perhaps their work is more reflective of that conflict than it is of eating and sexually abusing children for demonic gains, but who am I to say.


The second piece of evidence I’d like to look at revolves around a 2009 email, thanks to its ability to further the occult (my other favorite subject within the fringe world) into the Pizzagate story. Hillary Clinton responds to an email from Lewis Amselem’s, which contains a bit about a “chicken to Moloch” sacrifice. Moloch of course being the Canaanite god associated with child sacrifice. The reference and subject matter don’t return in the 30,000 emails leaked, and Podesta doesn’t come into play with this one, but it exists and when linked with the Abramovic work and its satanic connotations it becomes clear. Clinton and her staff are friends of the devil. This, of course, is further explained by Bill’s ability to play the saxophone. After all, he got his sax one dark Arkansas night from a wizened African-American blues musician[3] who in turn got it from a deal with Lucifer. The other occult figure to hop up in the emails is one Minerva, but that doesn’t really link up with any child fucking so it is mostly ignored in the grander scheme of things.


Alright, weird art and ancient deities, so far the alt-right has gotten together the starter kit for a good conspiracy theory. Frankly, the fact that a few people attached to Clinton like talking about some occult stuff actually makes me like them more now. If I knew Clinton was a witch, I might have actively supported her instead of just feeling betrayed by the entire political system. Unfortunately, this is about the point where the occult leaves the story.


The next part revolves around the pizza parlor, Comet Ping Pong (CPP from this point on). The Washington DC eatery is this stories equivalent of Roswell. Let’s start with the allegation. At CPP, the Democratic elite can get more than just your average slice of ‘za, they can engage in child cannibalism or child sex trafficking by ordering the right thing. Like, I don’t know, a slice of cheese pizza, which when abbreviated has the same initials as child pornography. The ties between CPP and the Clinton campaign and Democrats, in general, is fairly well documented, as several fundraisers for prominent Democrats have been hosted at the joint. Some might even speculate that the owner of CPP, James Alefantis is a Democrat himself. Or maybe he just likes letting famous people eat at his pizza spot. Either way, it is our damning third piece of evidence. Alefantis is further implicated due to a prior relationship with David Brock, a DNC strategist and the founder of the neolib NPO Media Matters for America and Correct the Record.


Again for clarity, we have Clinton and staff talking about some occult shit and looking at grotesque pictures in their free time, and a pizza place where some occasional fundraising for these folks happens. Or at least, at first glance that’s what we have. For John Podesta, our main man really likes CPP. So much so that he talks about their food sometimes. Or at least, about pizza sometimes.


Next up for the gaters is an in-depth analysis of CPP itself. After all, a front for child trafficking needs to make sure it is sending all the right signals to its target audience. The sign above the front door features these strange, Illuminati-esque shapes like triangles, or maybe pizza, but most likely the first one. Within those triangles are moons and stars, which bear resemblance to some artist’s depiction of Baphomet[4]. Further description by the gaters of CPP include references to the artwork inside, which like the works that Tony Podesta owns show weird baby things in sexual positions, or so they say. This claim is built around the fact that the mural artist of CPP, one Kim Noble, does indeed make some art that is reflective of Abramovic and Djurdjevic, and features colorful renditions of what might be big scary black silhouettes doing weird shit with smaller colorful silhouettes. Is it about pedophiles and eating children? Maybe. This is the easiest thing to look at within this theory and start to say things like, “well, maybe.” CPP does host small time DC-based punk rock groups who probably are just stoked to have a venue, and the artwork is the sort of subversive shit I would want at my small time punk rock show. The work looks mostly symbolic of the more powerful abusing the less powerful, and unless you have a predisposition for kid fucking you’re also aware that that sort of dynamic happens every day in every single situation ever. Hell, we could even call it symbolic of all of human existence, but again that also includes kid fucking so I guess they win this round. Rounding off the visual evidence that is CPP’s appearance is the bathroom stalls, which have some naughty words written on them. Right when you think maybe they have something good, they go and ruin it with something like that.


But wait, the stores around CPP also have some signals that show just how pedo-friendly this strip mall apparently is. The main thing looked at here are how many of the businesses around CPP also have symbols in their logos that could be indicative of sex trafficking and some sort of dark shit going down. Like a heart inside a heart. Or a butterfly with wings made out of hearts. The claim is that within the pedophile community[5] symbols inside other symbols are representative of a sort of big/little dynamic. Like the old code used by hobo’s and train-hoppers to find food and shelter, pedophiles have created an agreed upon sort of symbolic dictionary that small businesses use to help creeps find the where to best spend their cash.


What else, oh yea, apparently CPP has a basement and tunnels that connect it and the other pedophile friendly businesses in the area. Now the cops and city planner and any visit to CPP might disprove this theory, but fuck that.


There is a lot more to look at within the Pizzagate story, but I want to get back to Podesta and the actual theory itself. So, John Podesta works at the Clinton Campaign. He favors pizza from CPP. His brother is into some weird art. A picture of him with the number 14 and a fish drawn on his hands exists[6]. In his emails, he talks several times about getting Cheese Pizza, which as already stated is apparently a code for child porn. So there we have it, a conspiracy theory. Not the entirety of the theory, but enough loose threads for the gaters to make the following assumption, Clinton campaign is complicit in or actively participating in a child sex trafficking ring based out of CPP. This is the skeleton of the theory, with the evidence used to create it. Everything that follows is the wild speculations and other “evidence” that makes the case all the more interesting.


  1. People leave both good and bad reviews of the restaurant.
  2. Clinton, during her time as S.O.S was complicit in child trafficking from Haiti.
  3. Michael Flynn, a notorious truth teller, is a gater
  4. Alex Jones said this about Clinton, “She is an abject, psychopathic, demon from hell that as soon as she gets into power is going to try to destroy the planet,” Jones explained. “I mean, I was told by people around her that they think she’s demon-possessed, okay … They say, listen, Obama and Hillary both smell like sulfur … And they say listen, she’s a frickin’ demon and she stinks and so does Obama. I go, like what? Sulfur. They smell like hell.”
  5. Posts on Reddit, and the subreddit community r/pizzagate were deleted, even drawing direct attention from a founder of Reddit. The same Reddit founder who apparently commented in the past of subs that were once active and linked to pedophilia.
  6. Positive reviews for the joint highlight all the unsupervised kids running around.
  7. The bands that play there have to have all age shows.
  8. A video from CPP where you can hear a kid screaming in the background.
  9. A Fake Instagram account of James Alefantis that has lots of pictures of kids
  10. Bill Clinton used Jeffery Epstein’s airplane sometimes (before he was known as a pedophile)
  11. Bill and Hillary’s recent spat of illness stems from eating too many children, as seen in studies on cannibal tribes around the world.
  12. Ordering a pepperoni pizza from CPP meant you got some ground up kids on your slice.
  13. Mike Cernovich, alt-right blogger[7], is a gater, and one of the first to see through spirit cooking as just fun with bodily fluids for an occult feast on the flesh.
  14. The Podesta brothers helped kidnap Madeleine McCann, a girl who went missing in Portugal in 2007. Police sketches of the supposed kidnappers look in only the loosest of terms like the Podesta’s.
  15. The reason for kidnapping children, beyond fucking them, is to eat the pineal gland. According to pseudoscience and your college drug dealers, the human body is capable of producing its own version of DMT. The place of that alleged production is the pineal gland.
  16. Other food references in Podesta’s emails, like, “I’m dreaming of your hot dog stand in Hawaii…” and “Do you think I’ll be better playing dominos on pizza than on pasta?”
  17. Most importantly, it operates on the assumption that the Clinton Campaign and DNC are actually effective systems. While they do represent elitists and the pipeline dreams of the stingy, and while this group is all too frequently tied up in strange shit involving sex and sacrifice and maybe even kids, they rarely operate in an effective manner. Any assumption that really any political elite are more than well-groomed douchenozzles drifts all too far into the realm of science fiction. These idiots get caught doing pretty much everything they do, and then systemically protect their own via bullshit televised trials and brief media appearances. Their grossest abuses of human rights and children come in the forms of the regressive policies passed to strengthen the military-industrial complex and jerk off the lobbyists who bankroll them. 
  18. All the other stuff I’m obviously missing.


Alright, welcome back. Now that we are all fairly up to date on what Pizzagate was, I think we can agree on one thing. It is fucking amazing. The levels of depth, the fringe parts of the already fringe theory, the rightfully suspicious and the actually insane, this is the sort of conspiracy theory we should be expecting from whoever is in charge of the conspiracy world. It inhabits all the right realms of a theory, features enough doubt and anger directed at a public person who has earned every bit of doubt and anger, and the evidence is loose enough that the narrative can shift to survive any external assault by logic. Congrats, alt-right, you have made something beautiful, grotesque, and forever part of the fringes of American society. Now, Pizzagate is an old conspiracy, the consequences of it were essentially none[8] and you are probably wondering why I’ve invested time into re-hashing old shit with a clickbait title. I’m curious myself, as I woke up this morning without any urge to write an article about Pizzagate and yet here I am after spending five hours on this shit.


The purpose of re-evaluating this theory is two-fold. One, look at what exactly the alt-right as a movement is going to leave in its wake as the leaders of the conspiracy world. Two, ask the ultimate question behind all conspiracy theories.


If Pizzagate is the magnum opus of the alt-right, then we should look to its elements to see what exactly they will be known for as authors. The primary target of the alt-right conspiracy needs to be a public figure attached to the established government. Helpful if democratic, but not necessarily needed. The alt-right is no stranger of attacking neoconservatives, and my other favorite theory they created (again, Cruz is the zodiac killer) was also used as a political weapon. Timing is also an important part of an alt-right story. Pizzagate began on November 4th, days before the presidential election. The alt-right conspiracy attacks the arts, for the arts are by nature liberal. The alt-right conspiracy requires a demonstration of wickedness from the primary figure. The more offensive the act, the better. This isn’t just a story of human trafficking or violence or even satanic ritual, it’s a story built around crimes against children. The vilest of crimes against children. The alt-right conspiracy theory looks for and highlights all potential anti-religious sentiment it can find. This, of course, is an act of preaching to its own choir, those pious evangelicals. But most importantly, the alt-right conspiracy theory[9] consistently points to how people in circles of power can do things that average people cannot. The alt-right conspiracy theory by nature highlights why the alt-right exists in the first place. Those drawn to it (both the alt-right and conspiracies in general) are those coming to realize that the world is not to be inherited by the meek, and instead of looking at the real causes of the divide between the haves and the have not’s seek out alternative medicines. For cis-white men, the alt-right is the answer to the social progress of the world, which has given others the same privileges[10] as said cis-white men. Raised in homes where they were told they could have anything they wanted, only to live in a society that was also trying to give other people that (false) opportunity has infuriated those who go on to join the alt-right. Furthering the alt-right’s appeal are economic disparities and a lack of education[11] across our country. Still missing jobs, feeling isolated from a society that used to really only provide for them, the alt-right has found escape (and each other) on the Internet, which helps anyone confirm their own beliefs. These are pitiable, dangerous men who after winning an election continued to scour 30,000 emails looking for ways to create a pedophile pizza story and will no doubt keep releasing new conspiracies so long as they have the reigns of the Internet’s fringe.


I think it’s in the amount of work that gater’s went into that I find my love for Pizzagate. It’s like the most grotesque, crowd-sourced film script, and everyone participating has been to one UCB improv class. The whole story is built on this kind of, “yes, and…” storytelling that makes each escalation of potential allegations and evidence more exciting. Ultimately though, it isn’t that much different from any other conspiracy theory out there. Its propagation by the alt-right gave those not on the alt-right a reason to check it out and exclaim it’s stupidity and in turn made the alt-right defend it more vehemently. At its core (or crust) Pizzagate is just asking the ultimate question of all conspiracy theories. If absolute power corrupts absolutely, then exactly how corrupt are those in power now?


Those who built Pizzagate wanted to see a political enemy defeated. Those who created Roswell see the military industrial complex as hiding evidence of alien life and utilizing it for selfish reasons. Those who see a second shooter want to believe that Kennedy was a threat to greater powers. Every theory with lasting power deals with the strings of the world and history being dictated by people with far more power than the average person. They attempt to give reason to the struggles of the average person, and they attempt to do it in a grandiose fashion. They make the world into a grand fantasy in which the believer’s constant state of downtrodden-ness is not controllable. They make the believer into a hero searching for a truth, and everyone else into part of the deep state. It is in that concept that my own fandom stems from. No matter the insanity being proposed, the believers are self-fashioned protagonists, and because their tale must balance between real and “really real” they are always full of more twists than anything that a fiction writer could come up with and try to sell. After all, fiction writers aren’t fighting for their own narrative to maybe come true.


This article isn’t the most concise I know, and I meander a lot, and the ending seems to really suck compared to the rest of it, I know. Give me a break though I’ve spent the past seven hours trying to make sure I get all the “facts” of pizzagate right and then tried to have something profound to say about the alt-right. I might have bitten off more than I could chew. Let me just end with this. Marilyn Manson once said to alt-right grandfather Bill O’Reilly, “Anything can be misinterpreted. People can look at Christ on a cross and think, This is an image of murder, this is violent, this has sexual imagery in it. And it just — I think it’s my job as an artist to be out there pushing people’s buttons and making them question everything”. Clearly, the alt-right heard the message loud and clear and has fully incorporated it into their work as conspiracy theorists. It’s just too bad their reign had to begin with an attack on pizza right out of the gate[12]



[1] The man who ended up in a rather bizarre hotel room in Houston, Texas and uploaded pictures of it to Reddit springs to mind. Common thought was that it was an Illuminati kill room or part of a Yale Secret Society. Link for the interested.

[2] First associated with Aleister Crowley, as all good occult shit should be.

[3] Whatever you do, don’t look up Robert Johnson…

[4] Poor Baphomet, always accused of hanging out with Satan and other nefarious monsters. The reality of the Sabbatic Goat is that Baphomet was created as a representation of the sum of the universe. Hence the male/female genitalia thing. The first appearance of Baphomet comes when the French crown accused the Templars of worshiping Baphomet in their trails against them, forever linking Baphomet to a mythical group and giving the occult a reason to use the visage.

[5] And the FBI’s totally real PDF file of what symbols are associated with pedophiles where this information comes from

[6] code for “Fishing for teens” or “Fishing for Fourteens” or “Fishing for Four Fourteens”

[7] And human equivalent of an unsolicited dick pic with dirty laundry in the background

[8] a young man did enter CPP and fire off a single round into the ceiling, demanding to get answers about Pizzagate. He was detained before he could find anything. This of course is a massive consequence from internet babbling, and highlights the real danger of an alt-right controlled conspiracy world. The demographic is young, armed, and severely willing to act based upon the words of it’s leaders.

[9] And indeed, all conspiracy theory

[10] kind of. Not really. God we have so much work to do.

[11] Lack of education/lack of willingness to gain a education/lack of emphasis by families on education/lack of funding for education/lack of ability to change how education works/etc

[12] Main sources for this article include:

Chapo Trap House Episode 66 – Pizza Party! Feat. Jacob BacharachThe Higherside Chats – David Seaman – Pizzagate & Podesta Pedophile Ring

Wikileaks – Pizzagate forum

A number of Reddit posts


A full year of interest in this stupid fucking story and reading articles I don’t remember the name of and have probably misconstrued in the above article.

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